Alone with my baby girl for the first time since her arrival, I hovered over her hospital bassinet and marveled at what I saw. Breathing quietly, I watched her chest rise and fall. Can you imagine what it was like to have my beautiful daughter right in front of me? Don’t forget, that only days earlier, I was preparing for her arrival into the world, beyond the safety of my body. Even though I had hoped and prayed for this moment with all of my being, I’m not sure that I ever let myself believe that it would happen. Finally, it was just Claire and me.
Gratefully, I watched my baby girl sleep for a time that felt as though the world was standing still. How could I have ever imagined that there wouldn’t be moments just like this? It had only been a couple of days since her birth, and already I could not imagine my life without her. Just as I fell immediately head over heels in love with Callum, I was absolutely enamored with Claire. Knowing that she had already defied the expectations that some had set gave me the strength I needed to move beyond dire predictions and to allow myself to believe that it was likely that I would soon be able to take this amazing gift home.
Looking closer at this sleeping miracle, I took in her tiny clenched fists and her beautiful button nose that was almost identical to Callum’s. My gorgeous girl looked so much like her brother. Nevertheless, there were features that I unwillingly picked apart – indicators of news that felt somewhat inevitable.
Only a few days old, and no diagnosis as such, but I was well aware that it was only a matter of time. Perhaps if we had no idea of what was to come, we would have had at least some days of being blissfully unaware. Questioning her every movement and noting every feature was not helpful or reassuring, but I think I had become so accustomed to preparing myself for whatever the outcome, that it was a natural course of action. Refraining from researching what the indicators might suggest was easy though. Simply loving her for her, and enjoying time without a label, was my deepest desire as Claire’s mother at that point. Test results would no doubt bring a diagnosis, and I was hopeful that it would be at least a few weeks time before we received them.
Unconditionally, I loved my daughter from before I even met her. Visions of who she might have been without Cri du Chat are delusional. We know that Claire is who she was destined to be, right from the moment she was conceived. XX del (5) (p13) .ish del (5) (p15.2p15.2) is her karyotype, but will NEVER define who Claire is as a person.
Yawning…stretching…resettling. Zzzzzzz…..Claire continues to sleep peacefully and I continue to marvel at her very being.
PS. I borrowed a writing prompt idea for this post that I saw quite a while ago now, I just can’t reference exactly where it came from as I don’t remember! Maybe this?? Sorry 😦 This piece is exactly 26 sentences long, with each sentence starting with the letters of the alphabet in order. Did you notice?
Claire Matilda 